the ship of fools

I was thinking the other day. I was listening to a podcast or maybe even reading a book. The thought was love is a fools game. I don't really remember the context. I just came away with this idea. I am okay being the fool. We have to be in order to believe in love.

I told a friend. "Sometimes it helps to get a crumb to help paint the bigger picture. Well...the one we want". What does it mean? It means that my heart needs a proverbial crumb. It helps me paint the picture of what I want to see. The smile she gave me...even if it isn't really for me or there at all. It could be the broken radio silence from her. She knows I am there!! I know it is foolish. Given my circumstances. This is the life I was given. I can't change it. It is how I think. It is how I am. I can't change it. I am the eternal fool sailing on this uncharted water of life.

Me acuerdo...

Los tiempos de platicas a toda hora del dia. Recuerdo como robamos un vistazo. Tratando de ver el reconocimiento de que piensas en mi. La ilusion en vano. Pero no vivo en la realidad. Sino en los sueños de los pobres. Que se imagina en cuantos milagros.

This is what my soul misses. Sparked by the millions of Cure songs on my car stereo. Or the occasional Smashing Pumpkins song. As I waited, the last few minutes of your shift before the night would begin for us. I contemplate all these memories. How did we get this far apart? Incidentally, a title of another Cure song. Instead, we no longer go for walks. We no longer indulge ourselves in banter over nothing. Instead, we pretend all is right with the world.

La que quiero

Si la ves pasando
Dile que la quiero
No me pesa su recuerdo
Siguo esperando
Nuestro turno juntos
Lo facil que es
sentirla en mi corazon
solo siguo esperando
que me dirija la mirada
una ternura
o una caricia
para darme los alientos
que necesito para seguir

Jumbled...

The emotion I am feeling at the moment. It is hard to think straight. I am listening to a really good band, Say Hi to Your Mom. I believe they have shortened it to Say Hi. Maybe I am manic depressive as Sonrisa tells me. I don't think I am. I hit highs and lows based on my circumstances. If my mind is occupied, then I am okay. I don't have to focus on the negatives of my life. I am sure this is common with most people. At the moment, this girl's name is throwing me for a loop. It is the name and the music.

On the other side of the moon, I am back on my regular routine. I am feeling great. I am loosing weight. My clothes fit awesome. I do need a hair cut. I need to find time to cut it. Either go and get it cut or cut it myself. I have been cutting my own hair for about 6 months. I have gotten nothing but compliments. Granted...they could just be acting nice.

My job is also making me anxious. It is the tediousness of it all. I guess I understand my father for leaving the states and heading to his home country. He is out there just living off the money he has saved. No job. No responsibilities. Well...except the upkeep of their home out there.

Danger Days...

Bad news from the zones, Tumbleweeds!! Not really, these are lyrics from a track on My Chemical Romance Danger Days Album. I am being dramatic as always. Here is the news. I am reading a lot of comics. Yes, kids. I am reading comics. I have overcome my fear of zombies! Well...sorta. I still am afraid of the dark and having them chomp on me when I am not looking. I keep looking at my home and how I can barricade myself in and how I can get in and out of my place. I know. I am a big weirdo. I am reading The Walking Dead. It is keeping me occupied. Go check them out!! If you dare!!! Muahhahahaha!!

In other news, my oldest son is heading to high school. I think we have two great schools lined up. I prefer one over the other, but money is a factor. I tell you. Money is always a factor. We just got paid a few days ago and I feel like all the money is already gone. I need to get the finances together. I just wish the old lady would see eye to eye on this with me. I am sure that is a common theme among marriages.

Ha de pensar en mi...

No creo. I am the last thing on her mind. She is the first thing on my mind. Just passing by her I get nervous. Que ha de pensar? Nada. She doesnt even recognize or see me. I am a ghost passing thru her plane. It hurts to admit the defeat.

Still...I am here. Pensando en ella. Como ha de ser hablar con ella? Hear the sound of her voice bring me under her spell. A drug to lull me into a false sense of peace. I thought I was past this. Honestly, my blood was clean. My spirit cleansed. I don't understand what triggered this. The silhoutte. Her scent. I am just confused.

My obsession...

She stares at me. Maybe she really doesn't. I think about her. She must not think of me. Still...I find myself at odds with myself. Should I txt her? Call her? I hold back. Even when I cave. I feel like crap. Why do we like to suffer. I have made my prison of torture. Decisions have been made.

On another note, I went out drinking last night. I feel guilty every time after a night of drinking. I don't know why. Maybe it is money wise. I miss my days of drinking at home. I am at times a solitary creature and feel better when I am alone. Don't get me wrong...I feel like crap when I am isolated.

My grandmother passed away. I was close with her. I couldnt go out to Mexico. I was sad. I think I still am. Me and my emotions are out of sorts at the moment. It is hard to explain.