Santiago

the ship of fools

2011-03-23T15:16:00.003-05:00

I was thinking the other day. I was listening to a podcast or maybe even reading a book. The thought was love is a fools game. I don't really remember the context. I just came away with this idea. I am okay being the fool. We have to be in order to believe in love.

I told a friend. "Sometimes it helps to get a crumb to help paint the bigger picture. Well...the one we want". What does it mean? It means that my heart needs a proverbial crumb. It helps me paint the picture of what I want to see. The smile she gave me...even if it isn't really for me or there at all. It could be the broken radio silence from her. She knows I am there!! I know it is foolish. Given my circumstances. This is the life I was given. I can't change it. It is how I think. It is how I am. I can't change it. I am the eternal fool sailing on this uncharted water of life.

Me acuerdo...

2011-03-21T13:39:00.002-05:00

Los tiempos de platicas a toda hora del dia. Recuerdo como robamos un vistazo. Tratando de ver el reconocimiento de que piensas en mi. La ilusion en vano. Pero no vivo en la realidad. Sino en los sueños de los pobres. Que se imagina en cuantos milagros.

This is what my soul misses. Sparked by the millions of Cure songs on my car stereo. Or the occasional Smashing Pumpkins song. As I waited, the last few minutes of your shift before the night would begin for us. I contemplate all these memories. How did we get this far apart? Incidentally, a title of another Cure song. Instead, we no longer go for walks. We no longer indulge ourselves in banter over nothing. Instead, we pretend all is right with the world.

La que quiero

2011-02-21T09:27:00.003-06:00

Si la ves pasando
Dile que la quiero
No me pesa su recuerdo
Siguo esperando
Nuestro turno juntos
Lo facil que es
sentirla en mi corazon
solo siguo esperando
que me dirija la mirada
una ternura
o una caricia
para darme los alientos
que necesito para seguir

Jumbled...

2011-01-20T09:37:00.002-06:00

The emotion I am feeling at the moment. It is hard to think straight. I am listening to a really good band, Say Hi to Your Mom. I believe they have shortened it to Say Hi. Maybe I am manic depressive as Sonrisa tells me. I don't think I am. I hit highs and lows based on my circumstances. If my mind is occupied, then I am okay. I don't have to focus on the negatives of my life. I am sure this is common with most people. At the moment, this girl's name is throwing me for a loop. It is the name and the music.

On the other side of the moon, I am back on my regular routine. I am feeling great. I am loosing weight. My clothes fit awesome. I do need a hair cut. I need to find time to cut it. Either go and get it cut or cut it myself. I have been cutting my own hair for about 6 months. I have gotten nothing but compliments. Granted...they could just be acting nice.

My job is also making me anxious. It is the tediousness of it all. I guess I understand my father for leaving the states and heading to his home country. He is out there just living off the money he has saved. No job. No responsibilities. Well...except the upkeep of their home out there.

Danger Days...

2011-01-18T14:57:00.002-06:00

Bad news from the zones, Tumbleweeds!! Not really, these are lyrics from a track on My Chemical Romance Danger Days Album. I am being dramatic as always. Here is the news. I am reading a lot of comics. Yes, kids. I am reading comics. I have overcome my fear of zombies! Well...sorta. I still am afraid of the dark and having them chomp on me when I am not looking. I keep looking at my home and how I can barricade myself in and how I can get in and out of my place. I know. I am a big weirdo. I am reading The Walking Dead. It is keeping me occupied. Go check them out!! If you dare!!! Muahhahahaha!!

In other news, my oldest son is heading to high school. I think we have two great schools lined up. I prefer one over the other, but money is a factor. I tell you. Money is always a factor. We just got paid a few days ago and I feel like all the money is already gone. I need to get the finances together. I just wish the old lady would see eye to eye on this with me. I am sure that is a common theme among marriages.

Ha de pensar en mi...

2010-12-08T14:10:00.002-06:00

No creo. I am the last thing on her mind. She is the first thing on my mind. Just passing by her I get nervous. Que ha de pensar? Nada. She doesnt even recognize or see me. I am a ghost passing thru her plane. It hurts to admit the defeat.

Still...I am here. Pensando en ella. Como ha de ser hablar con ella? Hear the sound of her voice bring me under her spell. A drug to lull me into a false sense of peace. I thought I was past this. Honestly, my blood was clean. My spirit cleansed. I don't understand what triggered this. The silhoutte. Her scent. I am just confused.

My obsession...

2010-10-23T21:46:00.002-05:00

She stares at me. Maybe she really doesn't. I think about her. She must not think of me. Still...I find myself at odds with myself. Should I txt her? Call her? I hold back. Even when I cave. I feel like crap. Why do we like to suffer. I have made my prison of torture. Decisions have been made.

On another note, I went out drinking last night. I feel guilty every time after a night of drinking. I don't know why. Maybe it is money wise. I miss my days of drinking at home. I am at times a solitary creature and feel better when I am alone. Don't get me wrong...I feel like crap when I am isolated.

My grandmother passed away. I was close with her. I couldnt go out to Mexico. I was sad. I think I still am. Me and my emotions are out of sorts at the moment. It is hard to explain.

Las cosas que te digo

2010-09-24T15:31:00.002-05:00

Do you think about me? I know I think about you. These pictures of you are all I have...the things I feel. Me dejaste con un hueco en el alma. I walk with my head down. It hurts to look her in the face. My muse has gone with the wind. A leaf blown away from my hands. Even though she was never really mine.

She smiles at me. Yet. I find it hard to look in your eyes. Why? Senti una pena que no me deja mirarte. Instead me quedo con ella.

The object of my attention

2010-09-01T10:27:00.003-05:00

Have you ever had an object stimulate your brain? I ask this because it seems the water bottle with the White Sox logo has made me recall a nice time I had. The bad part is it reminds me of something that happened a while ago. A romantic adventure that was nice and innocent. The bad part is that moment is in the past. It is not in the present. My soul wants it to be in the present.

I am contemplating writing a book. I am sure I won't get very far with this idea. It is more for peace of mind. I have a theory. The more you talk about an issue, then the more it makes it real. The more real it is. The more it forces you to resolve the issue or issues. This is true when one can't seem to open up to someone about the specific topic.

I had a breakfast group. The three of us would get together and hash out what ever we were feeling. It was like group therapy. It nurtured our soul. I miss those days.

Un Fantasma

2010-08-30T10:19:00.002-05:00

Anoche soñe que embaraze a una chica del trabajo. Lo extraño fue que mi suegra estaba contenta. Ahora quiero ser un fantasma. No se de donde viene esta tristeza. Estoy cansado. Trabaje en mi jardin y mi pasto todo el fin de semana. Necesita mucho trabajo. Sacando las yerbas. Pero ahora se mira bonito. Me gustaria tener un jardin zen. Para contemplar mi vida. Para pensar en lo que es necesario para mi felicidad.

Un Amargo Adios...

2010-08-26T15:12:00.003-05:00

No me dijiste adios.
Solo me dejaste con la luz apagada.
El vacio que me llena ahora
Soledad ahora lo ocupa

Obsession...

2010-08-09T10:13:00.003-05:00

It was a topic of conversation recently. I was speaking to a fellow Taurus. I asked her is it normal that we obsess over certain things and sometimes people. I was also commenting to her that my obsession lately is my back yard. I get lost day dreaming about it. I have even thought of improvements to the area on the side of my garage. It seems to flood when ever it rains. It is annoying, because throwing the garbage gets to be a chore.

Right now I am fluctuating between this project and others. Home improvements. I will find myself lost in thought. It is quite funny. I never thought myself as a do it yourself type of guy. Here I am day dreaming about mixing cement. Borrowing a guy to use his cement mixer. lol.

I want the grill that makes me feel

2010-08-06T10:56:00.002-05:00

Apparently, my little one calls girls, grills. It was quite funny. I was informed my 13yr old. The 3 yr old is adorable. I wish you guys could see him. He is just plain old beautiful. It is a shame that they outgrow that fairly soon. I have my 13 year old that was once cute and awesome like that. I love him too. It is just the fighting between him and the sister is unbearable. Granted. My daughter is a crier. Is it okay to say that? Sure. The other day I was sitting in the room with my youngest. We are watching the best summer movie ever. The Sandlot. Apparently my older kids were watching it one day downstairs and my 3 yr old Eli caught it with them. So...that lead to countless watching of the movie. We had to curtail it a little because he began saying the word Shit. *mouth open*. I know. It was horrible. I told him. We can't say that word. It is a bad word. He only said it two more times. Still...the damage is done. Flashes forward to a potty mouth 4 yr old. lol.

At any rate, all I hear is her wailing. I get upset because I know he is a bully to her. Granted she is just trying to bother him. So...I am enjoying a nice moment with Eli and I hear her wailing. I run over to see him running up the stairs. I assumed he did something so I hit him. Mind you...it was not closed fist or anything. I am sure it didnt even hurt him. Maybe more emotionally. It was his bday after all. I felt horrible. Come to find out...that he didnt do anything to her. He turned off the light and slammed door in front of her on the way up from basement. I didnt find this out til later once I calmed down and went and apologized to him. It was nice. We had a heart to heart conversation. I then go yell at her. Did he do anything to you? Did he hit you? I am talking to you. No answer. She finally musters a no. I then lecture her. You would think they would learn their lesson. Two days later. It is the same thing. I am trying to get ready for work. I am taking them to sitters and I hear her wailing again. I run up and I hit both of them this time. I tell them. I don't want to hear any more of this. Both of you respect each other. Otherwise, I am going to hit both of you. They have since calmed down. Lets see how long that lasts.

Lecture them both on the way to the sitters. They said they both understand. I told them it is only going to get more hectic in the morning guys!! School is going to start soon. I need everyone helping out. Otherwise, we will always be late and stressed out. I want to be able to trust you guys and get stuff done. We shall see how it goes.

Que belleza

2010-08-04T15:14:00.002-05:00

Te veo con tu pelo chino. Me hace soñar contigo. La mente en las nubes. Me imagino el poder tener una intimidad nuestra. Donde solo nosotros conocemos el chiste. Te ries conmigo. En el cine. En la calle. En el parque. Que sueño dulce. Tan agridulce que me duele que no es real. Solo una ilusion de mi soledad. Para entretenerme.

Aunque en realidad ahorita mis sueños son de la agua que esta callendo. Me esta inundando mi pasillo al basurero. Necesito una forma de arreglar esa area. Tal vez una lona por mientras. No se.

Learning...

2010-07-26T11:12:00.003-05:00

I miss you today! I have tried to occupy my mind with all sort of nonsense. Still...my thoughts come back to you. I need to learn to function without you. I need to scrape you from my thoughts. I am wondering what you are doing at this precise moment. I am sure you are not thinking of me. I chant your name in the hopes that you think of me. I don't think it works like that. Still...I try. I am sure you are thinking I am pathetic. Even I am thinking I am pathetic.

I ask myself this, what is the difference between obsession or normal behaviour. Further, what is the difference between love and lust? What defines each and how are they different? Which one is harder to maintain?

I heard you moved on...

2010-07-16T09:21:00.003-05:00

It was the right thing to do. I don't doubt it. Your heart is no longer mine. I am not sure it ever was. Still...I have to dream with my memories. There are no pictures. There are no letters. All I have is what I choose to remember. Holding hands in the park. It seemed eternal.

Nothing was going to tear us apart. We thought we could face the world. Maybe these were more my thoughts than yours. I don't hate you. Nor will I ever. I will keep these fond memories and come back to them. I will let them filter into my consciousness. Smile and continue on.

The only thing left is for me to go. Let my atoms disperse into the wind.

Ha pasado mucho tiempo

2010-07-13T11:40:00.003-05:00

Todavia sigo aqui. Esperando que me des el tiempo. Pero tu vista ni pasa por mi. Debo entender que tengo muchas restricciones. No se puede por esta, otra, varias razones. Yo se. El tiempo no ha pasiguado el impulso de verte y de sentirte. Cerrar los ojos he imaginar el olor de tu piel. Tu esencia que ha permiado mi consciencia. Saturando mis pensamientos.

Juego al juego de no pensar en ti. Una obsession inutil por solo un dia de esplandor. Meses enteros pensando en ti y pensando que nada pasara. Y ese dia pasamos una noche inocente. Reimos juntos. Senti algo agarrado de la mano. Pero solo fue un fantasma de lo que pudo ser. Momento visperal. Algo que paso y se fue. Dejando en el polvo solo las ilusiones de algo mas.

Como puedo conseguir la paz? Llegar al dia donde no piense en ti. Acabar de mentir a mi mismo.

El fantasma del pasado

2010-06-24T14:06:00.002-05:00

Me hace buscar tu recuerdo. Sacarlo para tallarlo con mis trapos. Hacerlo brillar como si nuevo. Se que es un recuerdo. Pero no puedo ocultar lo que siento. Entiendo la ilusion. Pero no quiero espantarla. No quiero que se disperse entre las estrellas. Solo por el temor que se me para el corazon.

Tal vez tu rostro no es el mismo. Pero todavia siento lo mismo. Lo voy a guardar. Pero quiero que entiendas que siempre estara el grano escudriñado en el fondo de mi corazon. Se que paso desapercebido. Tal vez tu intencion es no regar el amor como una flor. Pero las piscas estan alli. Escondidas en la risa. En tu esencia. Tus palabras dirijidas a la noche.

No soy el mismo...

2010-06-22T14:25:00.002-05:00

No reconozco este rostro. Ya no se quien soy. Trato de recordar como pasaba el tiempo sin ellos. Los dias de Metallica. Mejor asi lo dejo.

Ya no tienes tiempo para mi

2010-06-09T11:39:00.002-05:00

Estas tan ocupada que ya no tienes tiempo.
No seinto tu mirada.
Que nos ha pasado?
Hemos perdido el camino.
El paso se ha ocultado.
No sabemos por donde pisar.
Las palabras ya no fluyen de nuestros labios.
Sera el tiempo que nos roba ese lugar.
Tal vez el tiempo nos revelara como regresar al eden.
O tal vez nunca mas cedara el paso.

Ayer pense en ti. Escuche un cantante que me presentaste. Recuerdo su voz como la de ayer que nos guiaba al altar de nuestra amistad. Un tiempo de rosas y amor. No era carnal. Sino uno mas puro. Ahora donde esta. Las conversaciones de noche despues de un trago. Relajantes como si el tiempo no pasaba por nosotros. Pero ahora vemos que si. Nos lleva como la corriente del rio.

Tentacion

2010-06-07T14:42:00.002-05:00

El fuego de la soledad
me quema las impuridades
dejando me empezar de nuevo
fresco como la mañana

I was in church. These thought were burning in my head. I had to get them out. It deals with temptation I think. Its funny how temptation works. I am trying to give something up that is not good for me. An obsession if you will. It is funny how when you give it up, then there it is time after time. I have encountered my temptation three times already. Normally, I may get tempted once a day. Maybe a couple of times when I pass by. Still it is there.

una estilla en mi lado
me deja ciego
ha las otras bendiciones.

El Perdido

2010-06-05T20:18:00.002-05:00

Me siento ciego. No tengo direccion. Me acuerdo de su pelo canela. Sueño de ella. Pensara en mi. Lo dudo. Acuerdo ese dia donde nos las pasamos de mano en mano. Contentos con lo que Dios nos habia dado. Lastimo que no duro. Sino se quemo como un estrella supernova.

Dos por una.

2010-06-03T16:05:00.003-05:00

Ya no me necesitas. La idea es absurda. Soy yo el que te necesita. Pienso por que soy tan asi. Me siento como un niño que necesita a su mama. Sera por que la mia no la tengo cerca. Sera. No se.

Last night, I dreamt about you. You kept choosing someone else instead of me. In the dream, we had given it a go. We were there as a couple. Yet, there were other people coming before me. This could be a dream about you or my wife. There were men and women that you chose. They were all hanging out in our room.

Ven...

2010-06-03T09:13:00.002-05:00

Te invito a ser mi musa. No tendras que hacer nada. Solo dejame quererte. Solo quiero ver tu ojos. Tu rostro que es mi inspiracion. Sentir lo que me hace falta para aprender amar. Un amor sin dolor y restricciones. Puro sin manchas.

I remember a time when you were not my center. How do i hit the [ctrl] [alt] [delete]? Return to that time and forget. The solution to all my problems. There has always been a void. Waiting for an idea, a person, or even you to help fill it. It is a pretty damn big void. It has trailed me all my life. No matter how I tried to fill it...it still seems more and more empty. It looked like a shadow at times that covered my face. I thought you saw it. It seems the illusion I would like to imagine to be true.

I dreamt of you.

2010-05-28T08:37:00.003-05:00

It was lunch time. We were figuring out where to sit. I saw you there. She was waving her hand around. Someone else pointed it out. It was an engagement ring. My heart was broken. I had just found out that I was going to be canned. It was more bad news. I should have thought about my home. I woke up.

The dream left me sad. Yet there was not time to dwell. I had to get ready to get to work.

Las cosas que te quiero decir...

2010-05-27T13:45:00.002-05:00

I open my mouth. Para decirte algo...pero a medias paro. I can't seem to continue the thought. Either I lost it or can't seem to bring my heart to tell you. Decirte lo que siento en ese momento. I know the tide will change. Al rato no te voy a buscar. My heart will not need you anymore and I will have moved on. Aun asi...te sigo buscando. I just wait for the day I no longer think of you. La obsesion de tu imagen borrado de mi mente para siempre. Fading like picture.

All I want to do is go to Six Flags....

2010-05-24T11:07:00.002-05:00

It seems to be the main thought in my kids thoughts. If I were to take them, I bet they would still be bothering me with the same thought.

The summer is getting hot. I have been doing the lawn work myself this year. It is good. I paid someone last year to do it. I finally got my lawnmower back from a family friend. The grass looks beautiful. It grew nice and strong. All with one bag of weed and feed. I think I need to switch up the fertilizer to something like debug and feed or something catchy at Menards.

I dream of days just chilling in the back. I do need a portable tent of some sort that covers very well without killing my grass. I have a lot of grass. I love grass. I didnt know that was one of my dreams of having a lot of grass. Well...I had an idea when I was living with in laws. Since it wasnt my place, I didnt want to get invested and then leave all that money. There is nothing like your own.

I miss blogging on a regular basis. There are a million thoughts floating around up there that need an open forum to roam free.

La nota

2010-05-05T13:54:00.002-05:00

Solo me tomo una semana
para limpiarme de ti
Tu veneno potente se expulso
en gotas de sangre
caido de mis ojos
como lagrimas de penas ajenas

ahora miro hacia el pasado
como una noche sola
de manos prestadas sin compromiso
suelto de todo sentido
solo pasar el tiempo
y acabar en un trago amargo

This Door is Always Open

2010-05-04T16:31:00.002-05:00

The sun is out. I am happy. I just wish I had money to enjoy the sun.

I am happy to know her asnwer. It is a whopping no. Ok. She didnt say no. I am just deriving the answer from her actions. Still I am ok with that answer today.

The summer is firming up. I am going to a concert. YAY!!!! The last concert I went to was lame. I went to go see Cafe Tacuba. I lost one of my companions and the other started crying. Ugh. Still in her moment of desperation she did make out with me. It could have been the beer. Lol. I guess the title should be more of a confession. It was good and natural.

Movie I am digging right now is Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. The soundtrack is phenomenal. I am totally loving it. I know. You just cant beat lyrics like:

I wanna build
Buildings high for you
But the costs
Like other costs
I can't afford you
I always take the wrong way
This is why this love can stay
And I want to change
Change the way we always have
And to make different plans
And try not to make this sad
But I always screw it up some way
This is why this love can stay

Shout Out Loud- Very Loud

Tanto que me haces falta...

2010-05-03T14:13:00.002-05:00

No tengo tiempo para recordarlo
Me pensa tanto que sigo olvidando
El hecho de no pensar en ti
Aun los alientos que me das
Son ajenos por no poderte responder.

I feel in love with nature today. I went for a walk during lunch. I do this on occasions. This is especially when I need to talk or vent to God or the universe. It helps clear my head. There is a park by my office. There are a lot of trees. The are shedding their seed. The circle things with the seed in the middle. They were all falling in the millions with the wind. It was just beautiful. It reminded me of a scene from Hero with Jet Li. It made me thankful to God. He did this. Maybe to cheer me up or maybe just because he wanted to. I was just lucky to be there to observe it.

Listening to Hello Seahorse! Bestia album. Song: Oso Polar.

Lo que te quiero decir...

2010-04-30T11:06:00.002-05:00

I want to go out with you tonight. Take me. Take me. *jumps up and down* I don't know where I stand. I do need to say I need to stop drinking. lol. $5 pitchers are hard to turn down. plus $5 burgers that are delicious. mmmm. I am hungry now. Thanks a lot. lol.

The Positives of Forgetting

2010-04-28T11:41:00.002-05:00

Finally, he awoke and realized half way thru the day that she was not the first thing on his mind. He realized it made him a little sad to no longer have that thorn in his side. Still it was a brief second as he walked thru the busy streets absorbing the sun.

Wow...I am writing again. It will eventually fade out. I hope not. I am currently hungry. I am hoping this coffee will help with that hunger. I think I have to forget that you are listening. Maybe this is what is keeping me from really expressing what I feel. It could be that. It could be that my life is really not that interesting. I have to admit that I have lost my muse. I am sure those that I talk to have heard that statement many times. I am actually okay with that. It makes me feel a little happier.

I have managed to be happy for the first third of the year. Unfortunately, due to our human nature we have to sometimes revert to our past state. Yup, that is me. So much for progress...huh.

The other day I was thinking about the past. It got me by the throat and made me think of all my past mistakes. I always have thought that I am unlucky in love. Still, the what ifs have come back to haunt me at times. This was no exception. Stacy.... She was on Pom Pom team. She had beautiful eyes. I think for one semester or year. I can't really recall the exact time. We would meet in between classes and make out a little. lol. It was great short and no strings attached. I was wondering how come I never asked her out. I think I had a girlfriend. Teresa. These are the moment when time mixes with the past, present and to some extent the future. These are the particular moment that I need to forget.

"Put me back in the machine"

The Great What If

2010-04-27T11:36:00.003-05:00

I am sure these are lyrics, but i hate that i am stuck on a moment. Unable to realise that it is a fleeting point in time. I need to learn to stop mixing the past with the present and feeling those moments like they are the present.

The other day i was thinking of this girl named Stacy. I knew her in high school. She was on the pom pom team. Every day for this one year, we would meet up at this stair case between classes and kiss. I never asked her out. Why? I dont know. She may have had a boyfriend. Oh she was very pretty and had beautiful eyes. At any rate, I was hurting cause of that moment. Lol. Isnt that funny.

Why hurt for such a brief moment? There is no point to it.Dreams are evil, but is all we have in lack of a better thing. Bottom line the it has always been the what ifs that kill me. In these moments, that is how I get. I listen to music as a sort of therapy and sometimes daydreams help me at points. Even then the emotion overpowers the music and my therapeutic methods.

Te quiero sentir...

2010-04-27T09:28:00.003-05:00

Next to me. Close. Unir nuestros cuerpos como los dos arboles que se convertieron en arboles para estar juntos. Dame un pedazito de tu amor. Dejamelo sentir aunque sea un ratito. Yo ya se como perder.

I want to see her smile. Even if it is not for me. Like the great chess masters that sit in front of each other...I have worked out all the moves. I can see when it will end. I can see that it will end. We are all moving towards that last move that will end this game.

I have something to say...

2010-04-26T20:13:00.002-05:00

Good evening. I am going to start this one with a question. Why are relationships so difficult? The games we play. The lies we tell each to keep the fairy tale alive. I want to just tell you how I feel. Even if it's wrong. Even if u may laugh. Instead, I feel like I am walking a thin line.

Without Direction

2010-04-15T09:22:00.002-05:00

I have a slight headache. I don't know what that is all about. I am here. I don't know where to begin. Instead, I dream of running. Running to a beach. Mind you, I am not a big beach person. Go figure. It could be work. It would be the only thing that is wrong in the grand scheme of things.

Familywise, we are all doing great. Well...pre-teen stuff. My oldest is slamming and yelling. Routine stuff. Not really much to fuzz over.

Musicwise, I have been listening to a bunch of great indie bands. Turns out I am in love with Indie bands. I can't get enough.

Lovewise, I got nothing. I know. I know. The obvious direction is the Ms. It could be the spring air. It makes me restless. So, if you know anyone. Lol.

I am sure...

2010-03-17T15:13:00.002-05:00

I am sure I can do so much with this technology. But I dont want to....lol. I find myself lately in a very happy mood. I am not sure if I told you, but I am usually in a very down mood. *knocks on wood* Lets hope this continues the rest of the year.

I am going to be going away for a conference next week. I am all excited about that. The only down side? I gave up burgers and booze for Lent. I know bad move right. I am going to a place that has Sonic. If you have ever had a sonics burgers. MMMMM!!! They are delicious. I am mean really!! They take the Pepsi Challenge. Even though I like Coke. lol. At any rate, I will have to wait for my desire. No...that is not the right word. My passion...no. Mi desio. You get my drift. I hear there is a Sonic closer than this place. I will have to go for a drive one day.

A drive. *pauses* The road does call me. I often day dream of just going. Just keep on going. Don't get off at the regular exit. But just continue.

Hasta la next time.

It sure has been a minute.

2010-03-16T15:31:00.002-05:00

Oh hello. I didnt see you there. I have been off of sorts. I am still here. I thought I would give this a try again. My life has been going great. A little too great. I need a bit of the surprise. Emotions.

I have no muse. It is something that is hard to admit. My muse has flown the coop. My muse was the girl that I would pine over and give me inspiration for my words. I know I know...I am a married guy with three beautiful kids. Hey...don't judge me. I said don't judge me!!! I need me a muse. I am accepting applications.

I have been married 13 years. My unlucky year. lol. Not really. This year has been a good year so far. I have only had one weekend of a depression. I think I was tired. I did a marathon of "Pushing Daisies". It was a show on ABC. It is no longer on. Anyways, I was staying up til about like 2. I did this like 3-4 nights in a row. I was suprised I managed work, kids, and life in general.

I stopped drinking. Well...I gave it up for lent. I miss it. I am not going to lie to you. I do. At every turn, I think of beer, wine, and my whikey. I have a bottle in my cupboard just staring at me. I have replace the vise with pie. lol.

A deep thought

2009-11-11T14:02:00.003-06:00

This deep thought comes to you from Lady Gaga. Lol. I know crazy huh. Well...the lyrics "I am your biggest fan, I'll follow you around until you love me". It is a catchy tune. You can thank my kids for hijacking my radio. They listen to 96.3 on the way to school for like 10 mins. Maybe less. At any rate, those lyrics got stuck in my subconcience. I opened my sketch book/journal and found some photos of when I went to a CD signing of Maldita's album Monstros. It was a nice walk down memory lane.

Impulsos

2009-10-22T13:48:00.002-05:00

Quiero dejar que mis pasiones me lleven. Pero se que debo parar. Ponerle un alto. Solo soy humano. Se que me gusta sentir la atencion. La atencion que tu me das. Pienso que el saber es igual que sentir.

El Vacio

2009-10-05T11:23:00.001-05:00

Que haces con eso? Con que lo debo llenar? Es la pregunta que me hago en este dia.

Stress at the old Grind

2009-09-25T10:34:00.002-05:00

I hate feeling anxious. Yet, I feel like the show is going to drop and I am going to get in some deep trouble at work. I hate it. Still my boss is a.... Lets says she doesnt make my quality of life any better. So stress and emotions cooked up this.

you silence deafens me
yearn for a verb or a letter uttered
even in anger or to inflict pain
question my sanity for still wanting
repressing my pain for just one bit of your attention.

Anniversaries

2009-09-21T10:09:00.002-05:00

12 years of chains. It still bugs me that I can't talk to her abuot everything. She doesnt understand or judges. Sad.

Don't want to want

2009-08-31T14:23:00.001-05:00

Yet here I am. Wanting that connection. I feel myself scattered in the wind. Pieces of me floating away like seeds. Landing on unfertil soil. Giving no fruit. This yearning too shall pass.

Lost my faith

2009-08-27T14:10:00.002-05:00

I am very angry right now. I hate people that make assumptions. It really really makes me mad. I honestly want to punch this person. I don't believe I have ever felt like this.

The disquiet in my heart

2009-08-26T14:07:00.002-05:00

Long for the feel of something new. The new kisses that burn into my flesh. The hand that holds hers. Eyes that seem to see new things. The world is seen thru her now.

unrequieted

2009-08-25T09:16:00.003-05:00

I have come undone
this forgotten love
cast into the bottom of my thoughts
only to have it surface again and again
I can no longer bear the weight
Drags me into ....

This is all I could muster. These are the random words that get jumbled in my head. It can be brought up because of a song that reminds me of a certain time in my life. A woman that crossed my path that reminds me of someone in the past. Nevertheless, the spirit is restless.

Alto Por favor Por Dios

2009-08-20T13:39:00.002-05:00

No quiero empezar este camino.
Ya se como termina este cuento.
Lagrimas de dolor pronto vendran.
Seran los besos iguales.
Amargos con un poco de limon.

Work in progress. Who dictates the rules of love? I'd like to ask a few questions.

Not liking work.

2009-08-19T09:01:00.003-05:00

I really hate my micro managing jefa. Aunque dice que no. Eso es lo que ella hace conmigo. It is never enough. I actually get paranoid. It makes me sick. Busy season is upon us. Tons of things I want to write about, but have no time to post. Lets hope I get back in it.

She got under my skin

2009-08-18T10:29:00.004-05:00

I can't seem to shake her. I keep going back to the scene of the crime. Try to analyze the interchange. Is this a dream or did it actually occur? Obsession powers me for a few days. Til it fades away, at which I will need another hit. A dose of her. For she is my drug.

Wanting...

2009-07-16T10:18:00.002-05:00

I want to hold you.
your curves
your lips
eyes that burn into me
revealing my truths
my soul wants you
no matter how futile the impulse may seem
wants for you to love me
to return those sentiments
for you to think of me
hold me in your regards
yet you are always distant
leaving me outside in the cold
far from your warmth

Racial profiling...

2009-06-10T14:53:00.002-05:00

After a night of heavy drinking...the "po-po" decided to pull me over. The illegal act was not running a stop sign. It was not running another stop sign along the same street. It was not running a red light. It must have been listening to my ipod to the tune of Beat It by Michael Jackson and laughing.

I handed her my license and insurance. She says to me, "this license is expired". I said, "nah check the back". In my head, I was like turn that bitch over bitch. lol. She left and came back and asked the year the car was made and let me go. I should have been like happy, but I got mad. There was no legitimate reason for being pulled over. Just cause I was driving at night in a mexican area of Chicago. Que puta madre!!

The words that haunt me

2009-05-20T10:49:00.003-05:00

She slips away from me in dream
no matter how hard I hold on
Her smile seems faint
don't want to close my eyes
fear she is gone
fading like...
an old photograph.

ok...the first line is what was on my mind. the rest just came to me.

Habla conmigo...

2009-05-04T15:16:00.002-05:00

The conversations that I have been having are good, but they lack something. Insight. Real emotions or feeling. I want a real conversation. I want to be able to peer into your soul. I want your words to be the path I take to your heart. I also want the thoughts I share to strike a chord in you. Move your being to want more. Particularly of me. The things I have to offer.

Please do not mistake this note to be about anyone in specific. Okay...maybe it is about you. *pointing* lol.

My eyes are hurting. I am not sure if it is because of staring at this damn screen. I just want to go to sleep right now. There are tons of things I am wanting to work on the house. I need to get a lawnmower. I want an electric one. I am also thinking about a old school one that you push. There is potential for a garden in front and in back. I am not sure. So much to do. aughh!!!

Dumping old patterns and adopting new ones.

2009-03-27T11:14:00.003-05:00

This has been the topic in my brain. This is my inner speak that takes over my brain and kills anything that I am listening to. I can be super excited about a new U2 album and be really wanting to listen to the album and even throw on my headphones, but then to have my inner brain muddle all the receptors in my brain with a million thoughts. I need to hit the purge button on my current set of coping skills with life and start fresh.

Here is an example. I come home and get bombarded by my kids before i even hang up my coat. (awwwww) I know. I love that part. The wife can be in the middle of showering or trying to get herself ready for work. She can also be in the middle of trying to put together a meal that she decided to put together at the last minute. I hate that part. Either way, I hate those two things. Her getting ready to get to work and leaving me with the three kids. Her preparation of a meal that is half assed.

It is not that I dont love the kids. I do. It is just that they really get on my nerves. lol. They fight all the time. The little one is the easiest one. He just wants his routine. The only difficult part is potty training, but I am getting a handle on it. It is the older ones that are in that stage of preteens, they are 10 and 12. They are always calling each other names. They are always hitting each other. You know how it is. It just drives me nuts. The funny thing is that I yell at them all the time, but they are on me like fly on crap. lol.

The meal part is that she may give me like a piece of chicken that she cooked in a skillet. That is it. No mashed potatoes. No chili sauce. No piece of bread to make it into a sandwich. It just drives me insane.

So...how to switch those patterns of thought for something else.

The Pony and potty training.

2009-03-24T08:43:00.002-05:00

I was driving down Cicero Ave. I was on my way north to Longhorn. It is a steak house. I have to go back there. It was really good. Anyway, we were driving when all of a sudden a pony and a family are crossing this major street. I mean dad with like at least 5 kids ranging from 14 to like 3. One kid was riding the pony. It was a crazy site. In the middle of a major city and look who it is the family that owns a pony. lol.

I was celebrating my brother's birthday. It went really well. I am potty training the youngest. I did not want to be hauling three kids all over town, while one of them keeps needed me to go to the bathroom. The idea of how am I going to find this restroom. I am actually very germaphobic when it comes to public restrooms. It is like you never know what you will find. It is the unknown unknown that is a factor. Still my plans had to change about 3 times. Finally, we settled on Longhorn. The trip from our place to my brother's was nerve racking. The baby waited to go potty until we got to his place. Nice! Then from the ride there to the restaurant, he also waited. It was like everywhere we stopped we went. We survived the night without any accidents. Yay!! The only problem was having to go to bathroom like every 20 mins. The food was good. I should have gotten a steak. I wanted a bar burger. It was good. I still think Stanleys is better.

The idea of wanting her.

2009-03-23T14:57:00.002-05:00

I want to be able to look at you and feel desire. Desire that has been absent for quite sometime. I want to be able to look at her hair and admire its smooth silky and wonderous smell. Let her smile melt my worries. Dream of her even as she is with me. *sigh*

It is not for lacking of wanting

2009-03-19T11:24:00.003-05:00

I want to blog. I just havent had the inspiration. The muse to help me get the words out. I can tell you what is going on. It would just be dry information. For example, I am an adult now.

Why? The simple reason is that I have a home. A mortgage payment that pretty much consumes my entire paycheck. It really makes me sick. lol. My home is nice. It is actually nice and big. I am really glad I waited. My wife wanted to get every home we saw. I was like nope. nope. Hell no. One memorable place was the modern first floor, but then go upstairs and it was like 1972. The wood paneling. The hot and humid atmosphere like you were choking. It was not my scene. She loved it. I said no thanks. Still...this place is beautiful. Don't get me wrong. I am still running to Menard's like every other day. Luckily, the only major thing that has needed to be replaced was the furnace. I was not tripping about that because I knew it was going to be replaced sooner than later. I also had the money. Lets hope nothing else major gets broken.

It is funny how when you look at a place, then you begin in your head lists of projects. Projects that I really need to write down. The front steps that need to be replace and reglued. They are like a nice red tile, but the people before did not use the right type of cement to put the tiles down. The need to replace a sink or get the ceramic repair kit for sinks. I am sure it is out there.

I also have to go to dentist. Ugh...the dentist. I am going today. Wish me luck.

Ser egoista

2009-03-13T09:52:00.004-05:00

Pregunto a mis amigos el por que es dificil enforcarme en mis necesidad. He tratado de ser un poco egoista y me sale, pero luego me siento con malos sentimientos. Necesito encontrar el balance. La pregunta viene de que el jueves me la pase viendo un programa llamado Battlestar Galactica. Me dije, "Esta semana esta de poca madre. Necesito relajarme." Paso algo en trabajo que nos dejo un poco traumados. El coche de mi esposa se descompuso. No estoy tomado cafe por la cuaresma. Esta fue mi promesa. Que loco verdad? Por lo visto, todo esto se me amontono. La mujer se enojo. No como lo piensas. Sino el trato de silencio. Si mujeres. Ustedes ya lo conocen. Me valio madre. Por lo general, yo simpre estoy ayudando con los ninos. Yo soy el que los lluevo a los juegos. El que les echa porras. Yo tambien necesito tambien para mi mismo.

Necesito aprender como ser mas egoista y sin sentirme con pena. La mayoria del tiempo caigo cansado. No tengo tiempo de ver television. No tengo tiempo de areglar algunas cosas de nuestra nueva casa. Ni para hacer ejercisio.

La Sirena con la Luna

2009-03-06T11:33:00.002-06:00

She calms the waters of my mind
Leaving no traces of the world on my soul
Her voice mending me

The nights our playground
We pretend our smiles mean nothing
Only to reveal our actions

Hinting at our Love.

El Corazón Perdido

2009-02-13T10:47:00.003-06:00

esos besos que me distes
pense que fueron de amor
las palabras que me dijiste
pense que eran para dar alientos perdidos
esas miradas de coqueta
fueron confundidas por ternura
solo para encontrarme solo
confundido
queriendo mas de ti

Maybe jumping the gun.

2008-07-09T08:30:00.003-05:00

I got home and my little one was asleep. I almost jumped for joy. It gives me time to rest. Turns out I did not have that time to rest. Dinner was not done. I had to make it. Doh!! I get up and head to the kitchen. I tell my daughter to turn off the tv. She needs to help me in the kitchen. She grumbles, but turns off the tv and follows me to kitchen.

I look at what I have and see what possibilities exist. I had some arrachera. I had some chicken. There was a very questionable fish and shrimp. I decide to go with the arrachera. I grab an onion and slice it. I use about 3/4 of the onion and throw it in the pan. I add a little olive oil and slice up some green pepper. I sautee them for a second and then start seasoning the arrachera. I slice it into strips and throw it on the pan. I make apparently some fajitas. They were good. My daughter was like this is really good. She is not a fan of red meat. She ate them up. So...I guess it has to be good.

After the meal was done. I start to wash the dishes. She begins telling me," Dad i hear voices." I was like okay. What type of voices? She continues to tell me. It is a man and he is saying, "help me." "Why are you doing this to me?" I begin to freak out a little. I hope it does not show. i tell her to pull up a chair while i finish the dishes. There is a small q and a in regards to the man. I tell her she is safe. I hug her. You are okay. I reassure her. We move over to the living room. She was in tears. She was freaking out. She tells me she has been hearing him since she was 4 yrs old. I am in disbelief. I am not sure whether to believe her or is it part of her imagination. I am thinking she may be talking to the dead. Sort of like a medium. I hesitate to tell her. Eventually she calms down after reassuring her. I finally tell her that she could be talking to a spirit. It is a possibility. I think I may be jumping the gun. You tell me.

Los recuerdos que quedan

2008-07-01T10:34:00.002-05:00

Cierro mis ojos.
A ver tu sonrisa.
Mis chistes te causaban gracia.
Quise mantener esa alegria para siempre.
Recuerdo tu cuerpo.
Suave al sentirte cerca.
Tu fragancia del jabon cuando salias de bañarte.
Tu perfume que perforaba hasta mi alma.
Te extraño.

i am feeling naughty and wanting

2008-06-26T11:02:00.003-05:00

*warning if you are uncomfortable with the topic of sex and infidelity, then veer away*

I guess I am feeling better. One good indicator is that I get a little naughty. hehehe. Yes. There are some thoughts that infiltrate my mind as the breeze sweeps across my face. My window rolled down. I listen to some Julieta Venegas (MTV Unplugged). I see a beautiful girl that I fall in love with for that split second. My body wants her. It is a fleeting thought. I can not pursue. I am sorry. I am a man after all with all my imperfections.

I was driving down 21st Street by Juarez High School. I was making a mad dash for an adventure that could not come sooner. *evil grin* The day at the grind was taking forever to end. Miller time was not coming and I was getting antsy. In more way than one. At any rate, there were two females walking their kids in their strollers. I was admiring them. They were beautiful taking care of their kids. They also had some really nice curves. They had meat on them. They were not stick girls that would topple over. I like girls with meat on them.

My mind flashes back to Eric and Cathy. They were talking about summer flings. I remember summer flings. It has sure been a while. Luigeee was a female soccer player. She was really awesome. We hooked up during one summer. She was a health nut. She did not drink or smoke or eat meat. Well...lol. I will leave that one alone. She was a good time. We had fun and there was no commitment. She knew we were bad for each other. I totally would like to have one of those again. I guess it was not that bad. I held back. lol.

To be continued...

Therapy in light of my sanity.

2008-06-09T11:36:00.003-05:00

Sonrisa believes I need therapy. She is more than likely right. I told her, "I have friends for a reason. They can hear me moan about my problems. Just like I listen to their problems". Besides therapist are expensive and I am broke. lol. I was thinking abuot that on my way in. Part of it is because I was watching 2 and a half men for like 10 seconds. The calm guy not Charlie Sheen is getting therapy and he gets encouraged to hit the guy that is causing him stress. Who just happens to be Charlie Sheen!! So...he wails on him with this like plastic or foam bat. lol. I definetly need that kind of destressor. lol.

Crazy thought of the day: I want to run away and joing the circus. lol. Thanks for playing.

To Blog or Not to Blog.

2008-06-05T08:42:00.004-05:00

I am not retired. I am still here. There are a lot of things that are going on. It has been really been busy at work and usually that is when I blog. I also dont want to be all depressed on the blog. True...it is really how I feel right now. I just rather not put that negativity out there.

Depression brought on by this weather that does not want to stay warm. It is like we skipped spring all together. We went from Winter to semi Summer. It gets warm for one day and the next it is hailing or freaking cold. It really does not help my mood. I want to be outside. I want to go for walks.

I am also going thru some personal emotions. In the brain reconstruction, memories and emotions are coming up that I am not sure how to deal with. These are emotions I can deal with but the situation that brings the emotions can not be changed. I just wish I could change them. Example, I have six toes (not really), and one of them is really heavy and weighting me down. I can't just cut it off. It would be to painful. It is kind of like that. lol.

I also miss riding my bike to work. I miss my exercise. How weird am I? I know. lol.

I don't know how to talk to you!!

2008-04-11T09:43:00.003-05:00

There has been tons of things coming out of my brain. Unfortunately, the process of getting it here is harder than I thought. I guess it goes with the being busy part of my life. I don't have the time to sit here and write all my intimate thoughts. The title fits. I guess. This is a comment I would like to make to a couple of my friends that seem to disconnected. Before the conversation would flow like a fountain of various topics. Lately, it has been stagnant. *shakes head* I am not like sad or upset about it. It just makes me wonder. Have I lost the will to speak? lol. Trust me. I talk a lot. I am sure there are people out there that can vouch for that.

My spirit feels free. I like this. I got some new music. I am digging Los Daniels. This song is really catchy. It definitely lightens up my spirit. I think listening to new music makes my spirit free. It is like a small little high.

I have been eating healthy. I am eating carrots, celery, and green peppers for lunch. I just wash them and cut them up. It is really healthy. The problem...I think is I need meat. Maybe some bread in that one too. I feel better about myself. Health wise.

Restless Nights.

2008-04-09T13:43:00.002-05:00

I feel like the last couple of months. I have not been having really good nights, sleep wise. I feel like I wake up still tired. It could be because the new baby. ET is a year and 1 month. ET just began sleeping thru the night. The nights my wife works are even worse. I have to be aware. I have to be like a crouching tiger. lol. hehehe. I sleep walk all the way to work. I dont actually wake up until I drink my coffee. Even then I sometimes drag a little bit. Still...I guess I just wanted to report. I am not the only one either. I have a couple of friends that are not able to sleep thru the night.

Are you sleeping thru the night? Lucky!! lol.

Oh yeah...

2008-04-07T09:51:00.002-05:00

I forgot. I was looking out my window. It was snowing. Great big puffs of snow. It is late March. I have hated these last few months because the Sun was nowhere to be found. It was affecting my moods. I am sure I was just countless of people that were impatient with the sun. I mean it supposed to be spring. Still, the snow was beautiful. It did not stick. I always love those moments.

Happy Mondays!!

2008-04-07T09:03:00.004-05:00

I don't know what is going on. I am actually having a good day. It is a Monday. Mondays are the worst. Well...they are supposed to be. I never was one for tradition. Really!! I go against every tradition that I can think of. I mesh well with forward thinking females 2.

I feel the need to get myself into an exercise routine. I have been eating healthy, but I need to add some sort of exercise. I need to get more energy some how. I can't rely on sugar.

In other news, I was watching Dr Who. The internet is fascinating. There are so many things to see and research. I learned how to get old files from my old computer and not have them be just lost. I have downloaded a million song that my kids like. Some that I like too. This is significant because I wanted to see the new Series of Dr. Who. There is a guy that uploaded the new episode of season 4 on Saturday. I got to watch it on Sunday. As a person that can not afford cable or anything jazzy like that, it is a big deal. Channel 11 is airing, I believe, season 2. I am not sure what time. It used to be on at 10:30 on Saturdays, but they changed it. I netflixed the whole 1 and 2 season. I watched the 3rd season online at various sites. I know I am a nerd. lol. I have not quite figured if I am a cool nerd or just a plain old nerd. anyway. There are a lot of things going on. I have been into a lot of BBC stuff. Torchwood. Coupling. There are other shows. I am not sure their names. I can only let in so much. hahaha. If ppl catch on to this, then the VCR is slowly going to fade away. Bonding moment: my daughter wanted to watch Dr Who with me. My youngest fell asleep and I was like omg...I have a free moment. I popped it in and she came over to watch it with me. She really likes the song. lol. She thinks it is a catchy tune.

I have other thoughts...will have to wait for those. Gotta go.

What The Fuck Tuesday?!?!?!?!

2008-04-01T09:38:00.002-05:00

I have been saying, "What the fuck (WTF)" a lot. I was taking a shower in the morning. The tub was not draining as I would like it to. Normally, I would reach down and get the nasty hair out of the mesh trap. This time to my surprise I find a little more than hair. My reaction was WTF!! I think I cleared two toilet paper rolls. The cardboard was stripped and stuffed down the damn tub. I know who it was. I don't even have to think about it. My oldest son has the most craziest ideas. I don't know whether to applaud him or beat the living crap out of him. I usually fall in the middle somewhere where I just scold him. Still...it is a WTF moment for sure. Just to give you an example.

I am driving on the express way and some idiot decides he is going to turn and get off. WTF!!! I exclaim. Just another WTF Tuesday. Ok...moving on. I have been having yet again having some more dreams. They are vivid dreams too. The last one involved Chanclita. We are driving in a white Astro Van. I had stopped by at her place and picked her up. It was a foggy yet day time day. Very much like today. We are driving down some intersection with a bridge a river under or lake. Some how this big trailer runs us off the road into the clearest damn lake ever. So Chanclita and I get dumped into the lake. I am all like we need to get out. Of course, I deliver the WTF!!! as we roll into the water. We get out and stand back as the van sinks to the bottom. I try to get the van out. My super human strength happens to fail at that precise moment. I half laugh in my dream. It was kind of funny. We stand back. There are some people coming out from the bridge and somehow I pick a fight with them. It is very movie like. I still look back and see a bunch of cars in the lake. I reach in for an ambulance and pull it out. It is a toy ambulance. The cars are all floating in the lake. It was so strange. I don't know where Chanclita went. I just wake up thinking that is the strangest dream ever. If you read this Chanclita give me some insight. It was just strange.

It does not seem like it, but I think I have lost my inspiration to write. I have lost my muse. My thoughts are jumbled and incoherent. I mean they were jumbled before, but I could make them out. The common one is exhaustion and needing to get out of this funk. I feel like I would like to do something new. lol.

Patterns and Thoughts

2008-03-19T08:55:00.002-05:00

Every day I get up. I get in the shower. I get the kids up and get ready for work. I have to iron every morning, except on Spirit day. Those days are now over. We would be able to wear jeans and tshirts on those days. I would always wear my Doc Martin's. I love those. Oh yeah...I get in my car and drive. The patterns begin to emerge. The young lady that is waiting for the bus with her headphones. The yellow bus that always seems to block me from getting my kids to school on time. The two little kids (boy and girl) that walk across the tracks of the Blue Line to get to the Pace bus that takes them to school. I am assuming that is where they are going. The crazy looking lady that walks toward Cermak with a mullet style hair cut and looking like a man in the process. Scary! *shudders*. The same cars with same license plates when I am actually paying attention to my surrounding and not just on auto-pilot. The Director of another office that always seems to park in front of me. The one I once made small talk with and now seems to avoid me when we park at the exact same time. Give or take a few minutes. lol. The very cute asian female in her nice BMW that stops in front of me waiting for the light as I cross the street to get to my building. I always think I want to know what she is doing to be able to get that car. She is young too. I want to do what she is doing. lol. The same commuters that seem to enter the building from two entrances as they go towards their respective offices. The long hair blonde that is always ordering her coffee and getting her muffin as I walk to the office. The very same blonde a friend of mine that used to work in this building told me to go and talk to. lol. He was funny. He told me she was super hot. I was like ok. I think she has grown on me. hehehe. I did not think she was super hot at first, but she is very attractive.

I think I need to change professions. This job does not challenge me. Management does not allow me to spread my wings or take any suggestions. High was not bad for me. It was okay. There were certain areas that I did not particularly care for. One thing that was constant. I did not really fit in. I had a bunch of friends, but never really found my niche. I am starting to feel this way here at work too. I kind of hate that the office environment eventually reverts to high school-esque politics. It could be just my office. I do not know.

Maybe I need to go back to school. Maybe I just need to change professions all together. Are you guys happy at your jobs? Give me suggestions of what I should do next? I was a BA Pysch Major. Although I can't read minds. I know you thought I could. lol. ttyl.

Blast from the past

2008-03-17T11:31:00.002-05:00

It is a flashback moment. I am sitting in class. NKOTB girl comes up to me all giggly. I made this for you. Looking back at this moment, I should have known...oh to be young and naive! hehehe.

It was a VHS of a hundred videos of Motley Crew. I just thought it was awesome. It may have been a welcome to the school new kid thing. It was cool. I think that summer I played that video over and over. I did not have cable. I could not watch these videos. Oh the age of cable and being poor before the internet. lol. It was dire straights. lol.

Solitary Confinement

2008-03-13T09:31:00.002-05:00

I have noticed that people walk in their own bubble. Their bubble consist of whatever connections they establish via cell, internet, or television. Most of the time they do not want to be bothered.

Today in the morning. I exited my car and walked to work. There was a woman walking towards the same building. I thought for a second...why can't I say hello. Why can't I make conversation? Why do I have to slow my pace or quicken it based on how I am feeling? This way our paths do not overlap. I have walked side by side with a complete stranger in the past. I always think to myself. It looks like we are even friends. I wonder if they are thinking the same thing. They may not want to be disturbed in their bubble today. So...I keep my thoughts to myself. I used to engage complete strangers in conversation. Sometimes I was ignored and others they would respond. It depends. My kids would tell me...Do you know them? I would say No. It is always nice to make small conversation. I know...I think I should have said hi. She was pretty too. Still...she would have thought I was pyscho or something. lol. I know...I think I am a little neurotic. lol.

The new week.

2008-03-10T09:05:00.003-05:00

I find myself in the dark. It has been a rough night. I don't even want to recall it. The thought makes my throat lump up.

I wrote this to the beginning of a previous attempt at posting. I was in a dark time. I go between highs and lows. I just went thru a low. No one would be able to tell. I am still as funny and joyous as ever. It is the times alone. The times in the dark. The demons seem more real. The demons can be real or made up. Made up in the sense that they may be imaginary. I think sometimes this is one of the reasons I drink. The drink makes the demons go away. It lets my brain finally rest.

My questions before I go. Why do we let our brains imprison us? Why not let our spirits be free? Can we be brutally honest with one another? I wish we could.

I am a computer geek.

2008-03-03T15:59:00.002-06:00

It turns out I can recover all my old files from old computer by purchasing a USb Universal Adaptor. I may even break down and get a hard drive enclosure. This is a thing that you can insert the old hard drive and use it as a external hard drive. This all cost me about $30 and a for a few dollars more I can get another adaptor for my brothers laptop. It is funny how he calls me and ask me all sort of computer questions. I am not very good. Still I have people at the office thinking I can make miracles happen.

In other news, I went out with Y last Friday. It was sort of a slow night. We had two drinks. Well...I had two drinks. She only had one. She asked me why we only hang out for an hour. You don't seem to egg me on to drink more. I think that is why. I am sorry. Sonrisa and Samba can drink. So...when I hang out with them. We are there for many hours. We are gettign the last drink. Then comes the last last drink. Maybe 2 hours later we are on the last last last last second to last last drink. You get the idea. Liquor makes everything more interesting.

My question to you before parting. If you are in love with someone, would you love them enough to do things together? Going to the market, going to do laundry, going to the movies that you don't like, and many more. I would. Because I love you. Okay...enough out of me. lol. ttyl.

Lost my point. lol.

2008-02-25T10:35:00.001-06:00

I was thinking about music. I have been organizing my music folder. I got a chance to get my old files from my old computer. I bought a little thing that turns the old hard drive into a mass storage drive. It is a little easier than it sounds. Well...I had a lot of repeat songs. Once I got all the songs onto my itunes, I let the thing play randomly. It was a kind of flashback weekend. lol. Songs that reminded me of college. Songs that reminded me of one of my trips to Mexico.

For example, Fobia- Mundo Felíz and Caifanes - El Nervio del Volcan makes me think of study sessions in college. I used to study for my Latin American classes. I took a lot of Latin American History classes in college. I always studied with head phones on.

I dont know what my point is. I lost it. Sorry.

The Hendersons will all be there.

2008-02-19T09:19:00.002-06:00

I watched "Across the Universe" a movie that honored the Beatles. The movie had all Beatles songs remade throughout the movie. It was sort of a musical. I approached the movie as such and was expecting to not like it. Still...the romantic in me powered thru and bingo!! The movie was awesome. I have been so into the Eddie Izzard remake of The Benefit of Mr. Kite. I love the originial, but I also love the remake.

In other news, I was in conversation with a couple of friends. One needs to slut it up. The other one asked me about kissing and getting a hard on. lol. I thought that was funny. I like the hard on with a kiss. I will tackle this one first. The question was, "Does every guy get a 'hard on' when they kiss a girl?" I would say from my experience, no. I guess it depends on the situation. I want to hear your opinion. Please don't be shy.

My other friend is complaining abuot not having people to kiss. I am like...stop thinking abuot it. Slut it up!!! (People in the background chime in a Jerry Springer way)"SLUT IT UP!!!" I mean she has so many hang ups. You are kissing them. You are not sleeping with them. I think that would be a different story. I don't want her sleeping around either. She can kiss guys like crazy. I personally think she is insane. She is too picky and she thinks about things way too much. Loosen up a bit. Have a drink. Blame it on the liquor. lol.

wink wink

2008-02-18T08:47:00.002-06:00

Lisita,

If you are reading this, you looked very good. hehehe. I was not just saying that. You really did. Okay. It has been a bit of time since I last blogged. It is not for lack of material. It was just me being lazy.

Chanclita,

It was awesome to hang out with you. I think we should all hang out more often. I am really looking forward to the Aldi party. I am so there. We should all play hooky from work. Have our own "ferris buellers day off".

Sonrisa,

I really just want you to be happy. It has been awesome that we have been hanging out again. It helps me keep my sanity. I thank you.

Okay...lets get to the serious stuff. Why do we have to go to Target in Broadview to have a good selection of merchandise. It can be said abuot Aldi too. The hood Aldi does not have liquor. Are you kidding me? It would be half empty bottles. You know people would be swigging in the aisles while getting the generic bread and generic peanut butter. lol. They would also put in between boxes once they got tired of it. You gotta love the contrast. This is the same with Sam's Club. It is scary the way we are discriminated based on class or race. I am not sure. Ok...that is enough from me.

I have not forgotten about you all. Trust me...there are you guys out there that help me keep my sanity too. ttyl. by bye

la soledad

2008-02-05T11:26:00.000-06:00

No se cuanto contar sobre este tema. Ustedes me conocen. Saben lo que es mi vida. Me conocen en la carne. No solo soy unas letras en la red del internet. Soy una persona. A pesar de esto, me siento solo. Mi esposa se la pasa trabajando de noche, estudiando, usando la computadora para acabar su tarea. Esta aqui, pero a la misma vez no. Me siento como un padre soltero. Ahora no tengo calzon por que no se ha lavado la ropa. Hay muchas cosas que hacer y solo tengo dos manos. Me encuentro muy atareado. Perdon por sonar medio melancolico, pero si me cae de patada estar asi. Espero que con este desahogo puede regresar a mi estado de gracia.

Cambio de tema. Me encanta mi celular. Tengo un Blackberry Pearl 8100. Anoche fui de compras a Food4less. Es un tienda de mayoreo. Chanclita piensa que es una tienda pa nacos. Sera por eso que voy alli. lol. Bueno...estaba llenisima de gente a las 9 de la noche. Mi celular me salvo. Pude descargar musica y videos a mi telefono. A pesar de las largas filas de comerciantes. No senti la espera desesperada de estar en fila. Me puse a ver un video Boondocks. Lo pude descargar de videos for blackberry. No tenia que pagar algo extra. Solo descargas a tu computadora y conectas tu telefono movil. Transferir el archivo a tu telefono y tus mp3 y zas!! Una fiesta a tu precio y diversion sin limites. No necesito el iphone!!

Ya ven que facil se cambia mi actitud. Tal vez necesito medicamentos como me sugiere Sonrisa.

the one with the corset and txts....

2008-02-04T11:20:00.000-06:00

She wore a corset under everything. She liked being tucked and tightened. She loved the shape it formed her into. She felt unconfortable when she did not have it. It was a matter of strangeness. One complaint she had...is that her breast never fit into the pockets.

I was watching the superbowl. I bought four squares. I am not really into sports. I lost. I am waiting for the wife to hear back from her friend. She bought squares too. I hope we win something. It would be nice and help with the budget. I am poor. My wife looked thru my self phone. I have nothing to hide. Still...I felt like it was an invasion of privacy. She was commenting on some texts my brother sent me. I felt like she had no business going thru my phone. I don't know...what do you guys think?

Serias perfecta si quieres...

2008-01-31T08:30:00.000-06:00

Estaba en conversacion con una amiga. Entre rayos y sentellas pienso. Sabes que esta estuviera perfecta para hacerla mi amante. Solo es por conviniencia. Ella vive cerca. Le gusta las mismas cosas. Podemos hablar de todo. Las cosas locas y las cosas que tienen sentido. Pero se que no va ser posible.

Esta frase mi hizo pensar en esto, "Te dare el tiempo que quieras. Entiendo que no tienes mucho tiempo. Pero estare aqui cuando me necesites". Yo se que no lo dice con el sentido de convencer me que fuese infiel. Sino como buenos amigos. Pero yo pienso para tener una buena relacion. Tenemos que ser muy buenos amigos. Poder habrir el corazon y dejar salir todo. Lo bueno y lo malo.

De Matrimonio y locos

2008-01-30T09:10:00.000-06:00

He conocido mi esposa por casi 18 años. He estado casado por 10 de esos años. No te quiero pintar una foto de un matrimonio de maravillas. Si he aprendido. Si he cambiado a base de mi matrimonio. Voy a sacar los trapitos al aire. Preparense. He hido de "Si, mi amor...como tu quieras". Los ojos cerrados a todo. Dejando que mi amor cubra todo. Ha "No chinges...la riegas. Que desmadre vete a la chingada". Abriendo los ojos a la realidad. Ha "Si querida...necesitamos calmarnos. Te quiero muchisismo. Pero no chinges." Que dijieron este ya caiyo. lol. Nel, pastel. Pero despues de los 5-6 años cambie. Deje que el amor me guiara. Pero tambien con los ojos abiertos. Dire que hay un balance. Pero no. En relaciones, casi nunca lo hay. Siempre hay una persona que da mas. Bueno. Ya ni me acuerdo por que estaba pensando en esto. Pero ya me conocen. Las cosas que se vienen a la mente. Por eso estoy loco y necesito medicamento.

las palabras olvidadas o mejor no dichas.

2008-01-23T08:54:00.000-06:00

anoche pense en ti. momento debil en mi ser. recuerdos compuestos de lagrimas y sonrisas. sera que ya no existes. tal vez fuiste una ilusion. no puedo enfocar en ese tiempo. el dolor lo hace imposible. creo que el dolor sale de tu ausencia. te amo. poder tocarte otra vez. solo una vez rozar tu mano. besar tus labios y sentir contento. fue nomas un momento pequeño. aun me dejo impresionado. marcado por vida. comparandolas todas a tu nivel. al fin termino. sigue la vida. las palabras no dichas. olvidadas en el ether de mi mente.

el deseo de confesar...

2008-01-22T09:20:00.000-06:00

ha pasado mucho tiempo. lo se. te mentiria si te dijiera que estoy ocupado. si lo estoy pero no en la manera qe piensas. no dudo que los niños me ocupan la mayoria del tiempo. solo que otras me llenan mi menta. otras cosas. hehehe. mal pensados. tal vez no siguen el rollo. pero hay les va.

Salimos con unos amigos a darnos un "good time". lo cumplimos al pie de la letra. lo que realize fue que tenemos muchas historias. La chica Y me dice que si hemos vivido muchos ratos agradables. Le pregunte varias veces si se divertio. Me dijo que si al pesar de no hablar mucho. Ella casi no toma. Nosotros tomamos como pipas. lol. Sera que por eso que nosotros tenemos varias anecdotas graciosas. por lo menos no todas empiezan, "This one time I was so fucked up" lol. Tengo un amigo que sus historias empiezan asi. lol. Es un buen amigo. Muy encantador. lol. Si te cuento las historias. Olvidate!! Con decir que este encanta a mujeres y hombres. lol.

My friend is in Mexico.

2007-12-17T08:44:00.000-06:00

She left Friday morning. I am so jealous. I want to be in Mexico. She is cancun. I would much rather be in Monterey or Mexico City DF. There is a lot of good indie spanish rock coming out of those places. I would love to be in that area visiting all the local music scenes. I am sure my day dream is a little romantized, but it would be something cool and interesting.

The kids and I went sledding. It was nice. We really need to buy more cold weather items. We need some long johns. We need some longer coats. I would even go so far as to purchasing a ski mask with gogles. The only thing is that our hills was barely covered with snow. The kids still wanted to go. For once, I actually caved and went with them. Last year we were dissapointed with barely enough snow and it did not even stick. Still...it was nice. Standing at the top of the hill. The night sky ascending putting out the barely lit sun. The laughter of my kids because their father slips on the way up the hill. These are the memories that I hope they remember.

oops...I forgot about xmas in last post.

2007-12-14T09:06:00.000-06:00

I am almost done xmas shopping. I hate going to stores with all the kids. This year the family did a grab bag. Money has been tight. This helps the budget a bit. Well...I got my sister-in-law's husband. I really can not stand him. We were supposed to list 3 things we want in a $30 range. He wrote on his note. Good luck and make it nice. It really made me mad. I was thinking about getting him a ugly looking xmas sweater. My wife does not want me to do that. I guess I will get him a dunkin donuts gift card. They have given me ugly sweaters in the past. I think one of their gifts have been useful. So there is my story and I am sticking to it.

of being nauseas, going green, and x-mas

2007-12-11T10:24:00.000-06:00

Today is my first day back. I took a four day weekend. I asked for Friday and Monday off. I had some things to take care of. I think i will be scheduling some more of these days off. You get two short weeks. It is awesome. I contemplate what it would be like to be a stay at home parent. I would like that. I think I would be a good stay at home parent. The only thing is I need discipline for the house work.

I really hate my place. I really do. I can't wait to get a new home. I would really like that. Even though I pay rent. I have to do most of the repairs. If it were my place, then I can see that. This place is not my own. My wife thinks I should do the repairs. We have had a couple of arguments because of this. Don't get me wrong. I like doing the repairs. It is the principle that bugs me.

I have also been thinking about going green. I want to do all sort of things to make our stay in our planet Earth less of a burden. I asked my wife to jump on board. She was not too crazy about that idea. I need to go to target to to look for some cloth napkins. I hate using all these paper towels. I remember growing up my parents using all sorts of "trapos". There would be torn up shorts, shirts, and other things that we would use to clean. I wonder why that did not translate to my wife from her parents. I am sure they did it too. They used to also use nails to hang up the spatulas, spoons, or other kitchen aids. I guess we always want to go back to what we know. Ok...ttfn.

No rest for the wicked

2007-12-06T10:45:00.000-06:00

I come in to the house and there is chaos. It is sitting at the edge of the cliff waiting for my arrival to escalate. It begins with my youngest spotting me. He writhes in his high chair. Surely in his mind he is wondering when I am going to pick him up. I choose to hang up my jacket and take off my work shirt. My other kids run over to me and give me a kiss. I walk around in my work pants for a little while. My youngest was not fond of me leaving without kissing him. He screams his little head off. I scramble back as soon as possible. He has not been feeling to well lately. I remember hating when my kids are sick. I just feel so helpless.

They are not letting me write anymore. I will talk to you later. Thanks.

Music does a body good.

2007-12-04T09:06:00.000-06:00

I have been in one of those moods. It is not a good mood. Thanks to DC, some friends, and music. I say this because I was so bummed out starting Monday. I put together a playlist of really awesome music. I had some Cafe Tacuba, Pastilla, Panda, Fobia, Los Bunkers, Molotov, and many others. Believe it or not, the music cheered me up.

I am weird in that music like the Cure cheers me up. It is the fact that others experience misery. Maybe I recall a time when I was really happy. At any rate, who is done with their x-mas shopping. I hate this time of year. The endless consumerism and music. bleh!!

Si Tu No Vuelves

2007-12-03T09:35:00.000-06:00

Si tú no vuelves
se secarán todos los mares
y esperaré sin ti
tapiado al fondo de algún recuerdo

Si tú no vuelves
mi voluntad se hará pequeña...
Me quedaré aquí
junto a mi perro espiando horizontes

Si tú no vuelves
no quedarán más que desiertos
y escucharé por si
algún latido le queda a ésta tierra

Que era tan serena
cuando me querías
habia un perfume fresco que yo respiraba
era tan bonita, era así de grande
no tenía fin...

Y cada noche vendrá una estrella
a hacerme compañía
que te cuente cómo estoy
y sepas lo que hay
Dime amor, amor, amor
estoy aqui ¿no ves?
Si no vuelves no habrá vida
no sé lo que haré

Si tú no vuelves
no habrá esperanza ni habrá nada
Caminaré sin tí
con mi tristeza bebiendo lluvia

The epiphany of marriage

2007-11-27T14:25:00.000-06:00

There are so many things going on in my life that are pulling my emotions in different directions. There is helplessness. There is being overwhelmed. There is being busy. Granted, I may be focusing on all the negatives. It may be that I have to reorganize my thoughts and change my attitude. This is difficult at times because the negative energy is overwhelming the positive. The other issue is there is no time to refocus energy. I am contantly just reacting to the situation. The positives come and go in fleeting moments. I wish to to package it into a jar and sip on it when the negative is at an all time high.

Here is a list of 5 things that make me happy:
1. spending time with my family, when I am not in a funky mood. lol.
2. drinking a really good cup of coffee from organic beans.
3. drinking some alcohol with some really good friends
4. reading a good book
5. sometimes being done with a task needed to be done (i.e. fixing the car, cleaning, buying a cable i need for my computer or entertainment equipment.

I went out with my wife and her family this weekend. I love my brother-in-law (this one at least) and my sister-in-law (one out of the two, lol). It is the rest of the crew that I feel like I can not connect. It brings back some emotions of not belonging when I was in high school. It is muddled with ackward silence and then once a drink or two is in me...then bam! I am all giggles and joking. I am actually a very sociable guy. I just have to be on my best behaviour with these people. I have to censor myself. I can not be "me". I think that is what really bothers me. Why am I censoring myself? My wife has chastised me in the past because I can be a little crazy. I just realized that. I can get sloshed with my friends all the time. They do not judge me. My wife does judge me. She censors me. Wow...I did not see that. I am sure I had seen it. I had just turned a blind eye to it. I wonder what this tells you about me.

te mando los besos

2007-11-27T11:33:00.001-06:00

beso El Viento
pidiendole que te lo de por mi
esperando que el beso te encuentre bien
contenta y agusto
sera que me llamas con tu mente
sera que eres un sentido perdido
no lo se
pero dispuesto estoy
para descubrir lo que me espera

Mi alma se altera

2007-11-27T11:20:00.000-06:00

Sueño con ella otra vez. Mi Alma. Me viene inocentemente. Era un dia muy soleado. Conduci mi coche hacia un edificio muy bonito con muchos vidrios. Sera un museo, me pregunto. Entro y me siento a ver una obra de teatro estudiantil.

Parece un lugar muy obscuro. Al fin de la funcion, la encuentro a la orilla del teatro. Yo estaba en medio de una conversacion con una maestra. Parece que hablabamos de besos y salir a comer. Saludo a mi Alma de lejos y camino hacia ella. La abrazo con todo mi corazon. Le pregunto por que se habia hido sin decirme adios. Por que nos habiamos perdido de hablar. Me ha hecho mucha falta. Dice que no es nuestro tiempo o algo por el estilo. Se disculpa y me dice qe se tiene que ir. Tiene una cita que no puede perder. Todo una novela. lol. Se va con un beso y un abrazo.

Se acabo la obra de teatro y salgo a mi carro. Que creen? Se lo han revolcado. Con eso despierto. En el sueño pienso que no se lo han llevado. Tiene que ser otra cosa. Pero si se lo ha llevado la grua.

La ilusion que eres mia

2007-11-06T10:44:00.000-06:00

Mi muñeca de oro. Me doy la ilusion que eres mia. Se que eres tu proprio dueño. Aun asi me dejo llevar por esa ilusion.

Me responde...Pero soy tuya!!

Me Alegro que pienses eso. Mi corazon lo quiere creer. Lo quiere creer con todo mi ser. Pero veo la realidad. Yo se que no te puedo disfrutar como quiero. No puedo quitarte las lagrimas con mis besos. No te puedo agarrar de la mano y pasearme por un museo contigo. No puedo besar esos labios de miel. No te puedo abrazar y compartir una vida eterna juntos. Solo me arullo en tu amistad. Lo unico que puedo disfrutar contigo. Una amistad con todo el amor.

I am going thru some emotions. I am not sure what to label them. I am sure some would label them depression. They can also be labeled loneliness. The question is how much of this is weather related and how much of this is personal.

I miss the heat. The cold makes me hurt. It also does not hurt that I kind of had a little accident. You know...the wrestling shows have the advertisement of don't do this at home. You would think a grown man like me would have adhered to the warning. I did not. I was doing some wrestling moves on my kids. Well...in the process I hurt my back. I have had this pain for like a week. It comes and goes. I have had this injury before. It just gets aggravated sometimes with various things. There is no one set cause and effect. The last time I got like this was because it was cold and I did not cover my back. I don't know if you subscribe to that theory that se te metio el frio en los huesos, but I think it is was happened to me. I am getting better, but it annoys me that I feel like this. I have too many things to do. Ok...well talk to you later. ttfn.

She loves me, she loves me not and zombies.

2007-11-02T13:56:00.000-05:00

I am going to just type. It is going to be fiction and non-fiction intertwined. The room was filled with smoke. Our conversation was serious. I watched her lips form the words. Those beautiful lips. The buzz of patrons having a good times fill our ears. She looks at me and smiles. I can't help but fall in love with her again. She tells me she needs someone. My telepathic messages tells her...I am that somebody!! She must not be on that frequency. I smile at my own joke. I stop myself from kissing her at every clever line she delivers.

We revisit our past history. She tells me I have a way of being a smooth talker. I act surprised. Who have you been talking to? You are definitely getting some incorrect information. Trying to be formal. She sees right through me. You see...I have never really had luck with the ladies. I have faked it all the way. She seems to buy it. Her whole body tells me she wants me. Her words tell me otherwise. She moves closer to me. The room is getting more crowded and louder. It is making our conversation a little harder. We share some appetizers. We drink our drinks and order another round. The waitress was scoping me out. She looked at me a little longer than she should have. My partner sees that too. She tells me, "The waitress likes you". I pretend not to notice. Still, my focus is on you mi amor. I decide to tell her. She smiles without another word. Instead she eats her nachos letting the moment pass. I wonder who has she really been talking to that would make such a comment. Look at her eyes to see what she is thinking. She hides her feelings well. She touches my hand and tells me she remembers seeing a friend of ours. Strokes my hand with her thumb.

I am sorry that is all I got. I had a dream about zombies again. I was traveling thru the city. It seems it was a wasteland. It was also part my parent's little pueblito. There were buildings I was climbing and looking for remnants of a movement that was trying to survive.

Sunday- a long day

2007-10-29T09:49:00.000-05:00

This is meant to be a window. A window into my Sunday. Let see how it plays out. Wake up. Baby is stirring. It is almost 5. Really it is 6. My vcr does not know they delayed the fall back daylight savings time change. I think nothing unusual. He has been waking up around 5. He just began switching his schedule. His pattern. He still wakes up at 3. *flashback* I thought it was strange cause the VCR said almost two. I thought it was too early for him to want a bottle. Yes...he is still not sleeping thru the night. I give him a bottle at 3 in the morning. *flash forward* I wake up to entertain him. "Good morning, Bebe", he smiles. "Bebe" said in the spanish version. I love his smiles and the way he raises one hand to signal me to come over. I see my other two have slept out in the living room. I change Bebe's diaper. Play with him for 30 mins or so before the kids wake up. They come over to help me. Around 7, I go to kitchen and work on breakfast. I am making pancakes this morning. I sit the baby in his high chair. Give him some of the lids and knick knacks he likes to play with in the morning before getting his breakfast. I wash some dishes and yell at kids to come and help me. We are supposed to be getting ready for church at 9. I start making the batter. Bisquick makes the best kind of batter. I add a little vanilla in the batter to give it a different taste. My family loves the pancakes I make. My daughter feeds Bebe his cereal. She likes to be helpful. I send my son to clean up living room. The batter is ready. Bebe has been feed. The misses gets home and it is almost 8. I have to get in the shower. I trust my daughter to finishing up the pancakes. The misses takes care of Bebe. I jump in the shower.

Bebe gets cranky and the wife takes him to get him to sleep. I am in the shower the kids are now making breakfast alone. I am still tired and not full awake. I hate mornings in my apartment. It is to damn drafty. I hate this cold in the mornign before I am fully dressed. I finish showering and get dressed. My kids have not burned the house down. Yay...they are horsing around. They burn the last little pancakes they are making. They are not to bad. They argue who is going to eat the burnt ones. Guess who eats them. I half complain about why i get the burnt ones. The pancakes are still very yummy. The kids finish having breakfast and I argue with them on what to wear. The kids have to be at church early because they have to serve. They are altar servers. It is 820 and the wife and Bebe are sleeping. I take it they are not going. I ask the wife if she is coming or going to sleep. She said, I want some of those pancakes. I help her get up. I tell her the time. She eats her pancakes quickly and we all go to mass. Bebe was sleeping, but I think my oldest woke him up cause I sent him to clean up the living room again. He did not clean it up well. He left alot of my daughters stuff on the floor. I yell at him and tell him I dont care if it is not his stuff. I tell him he needs to pick up everything. I find myself yelling at them a lot. Mental note...need to yell more. lol. jk. Yell less.

Getting into van with 15 mins to get kids to church. Luckily it is down the street. They jump out. They are still talking among themselves about the weather. We yell at them to run. They have to be inside, put on their robes, get the other little preparations for the mass. Sitting there chit chatting about the weather. *Shakes head at them* Pastor talks about the need to not judge others even if we are righteous. We should leave that to God. He is the judge of all things. See...I pay attention in church. Actually, this time I did. lol. Most of the times I forget. As soon as we leave church.

Get into the car and tell the wife to get his bag prepared. Three calls take place. I have to go get some tickets from my uncle that lives close by. They are letting us have some free tickets to the AIBA World Championship Boxing. I rush to pick up the parents. We are 30 minutes late. My wife forgot to pack up the Bebe formula. She thought I was going to be mad. I was not that mad. It was annoying. Luckily, I had to pick up those tickets close to the house and I was on the way back to get my parents and it was on the way. Otherwise, I would have been more upset. The boxing was nice. It was interesting. I could not watch it all. Bebe started out very interested in the blue and red boxers moving around. I think he lasted about 10 mins interested and then was bored. My daughter on the other hand was not interested at all.

Sidenote- I took them the day before to the National Museum of Mexican Fine Arts. My kids were asking about "why don't we celebrate Halloween?" Everyone in my parents neigborhood have the decorations. Web, pumpkins, skulls, bats, and Frankenstein's. I told them, "It really isn't a christian holiday." We celebrate "El Dia de los Muertos". I took them to see the exhibits and how we celebrate it. The funny thing is that my son was like can we go now. He was so bored and is more into sports.

My son was really interested in the boxing. It was funny how things got flipped like that. Still we stay til the end. The kids are supposedly hungry. My mom had made some taquitos de frijoles con huevo. They were so yummy. We ate them before going in. They claimed to be still hungry. I know all they really wanted was popcorn and the Dippin Dots. What is it with kids that as soon as they see the junk food, they want some? lol. I tell them we will get some food after the match, besides they just had some food. We get some lunch after at la Pasadita. We have to go there Sonrisa. It is awesome. La parrillada looked so good. The old neighborhood has changed. I think about Alma again. I wonder where she is?

We head over to my other uncle's house. Bebe has been in and out of sleep. He likes the traveling. He does not sleep a whole lot. Well...his sleep patterns are weird. Duerme como gato. lol. I have to give my cousin some caramel apples. I want one now. lol. Btw, I want some cake or something sweet. The whole day I have been craving something sweet. I would prefer some sort of cake. I am not sure what kind. I am stressed out by this time. Nothing really major has occured, but I am just tired of going all over the place. It is an eventful day. My son nags me to play football with him. I would love to, but then who takes care of the baby. My aunt takes him. Oh yeah, my uncle R, who is medio agrio, takes a liking to my son. "Tiene una sonrisa muy bonita" dice mi tio. I feel good cause my son is the cutest thing. I wish I can freeze some of these moments and put them into picture or painting even.

I rest for the little minute that he is distracted. I am really worn. Around 5 the bay gets fuzzy. He is really tired. It is time to go. Me despido de la familia. I almost drive home. I forget my parents are still with me. lol. I was on autopilot. It is funny because I was talking to my dad about the expressways. Imagine if I had not been talking to him. I would have been home and been like, "Oh, I do have to take you guys home" lol. Meanwhile, my brain was still thinking, I want something sweet. I want a milkshake. I want some pan dulce. We eventually go home. We have nothing. I let them have their favorite for dinner, Peanut butter and Jelly sandwich. They kind of complain. My daughter in particular. She wanted me to take them to McD's. I am like no thank you. I have no money right now. The evening is particularly rough. The chaos ends with Bebe being utterly upset cause his bottle did not close right. I had to take it out and fix it. He did not like it. He was screaming for an hour. He did not want to calm down. I was walking around with him. I was rocking him back and forth. Nothing. He would not stop. I felt helpless. I had already been wanting to make myself a drink. This made it even worse. I yelled at my kids cause they were not helping with their noise. They are always horsing around when the baby is trying to sleep. Two times I almost had Bebe asleep, but they made some noise or were watching tv too loud. It was frustrating and I yelled at them. I told them to turn it off and go to bed. I finally got the baby to sleep. I was singing to him. A spanish lullaby. Arrarorrro nino. It eventually worked to get him to sleep. Oh yeah...in case you are wondering. My wife is working grave yard on the weekends and studying most of the time. I am on my own on the weekends. This also really frustrates me. This means I am working on the weekends too. Sometimes she leaves me with the kids on the weekdays. I am left to fend on my own with all three kids. I should be understanding, but that is another post. I felt bad yelling at my kids. After Bebe goes to bed, I go to their room and whisper in their ears. "I am sorry". They wake up. I kiss them goodnight and say their prayers. They are sweet. They tell me they are sorry. I tell them it is not their fault. They forgive me and I kiss them one last time. I also get them water. Usually they ask me for water after they get in bed. This bugs me because I tell them to get it before they get in bed. This time it does not bother me. I feel bad cause I already yelled at them too much during the day. I get them water. Kiss them goodnight again. lol. I know. We are very touchy feely. lol. I go to my room and watch the news. I almost fall asleep. My mother in law knocks on my door. I think to myself is this night ever going to end. I almost ignore her. I should have. She asks me is my wife home. No. She is not. She is working on my daughter's costume for All Saints Day. She is going to be "La Virgen de Guadalupe". This is going to be on Thursday. We have time people. Do not come in almost 20 mins to 10 o'clock. Let me sleep. My wife gets home shortly after. She wakes me up too. No one is letting me get to sleep. It is like the day that never ends. Just like the post that never ends. Goodness. Finally, I get to sleep. I was supposed to be annoyed and kind of mad at the wife for leaving me all day. I think dozing off for a little bit, when she got home I forgot all about it. I am weird like that. I can't hold a grudge. I should, but I can't. I never got my drink. I need to buy some whiskey. It sure was a a long day. I just needed to get that out.

the satisfaction of something new

2007-10-25T15:29:00.001-05:00

Never underestimate the feeling of something new. Still...the feeling of this new object eventually fades. The routine of life sets in. The object no longer has the same luster. I think about this for many reasons. I purchased a 55 inch tv. It is nice. I am not complaining. I got it because I had no expenses. Well...it turns out my computer craps out. My ipod was limping by. Well...the ipod has to wait. The computer could not. I had to purchase a computer and a still pay the television. I am dirt poor right now. I paid it off. I have a problem paying interest. Especially since these m-fers are charging 20.9 apr%. I don't know how much it is a month, but it is a lot more than I am willing to pay. I guess I will have to just pay it back to my savings. Boo to me. The point is this. I am stuck with this huge tv. My kids love it. I am okay with it. I could have waited for this purchase. It is not wow-ing me. In my brain, I had visualized me playing my video games (I don't play video games that much). I imagined me watching all these great shows in high definition on television. I hardly watch tv. I think I can also equate this to other things. Anyway, I fixed my ipod. It only cost me $19. I know. It was awesome. Don't want to think anymore. Ok. thanks.

The one about saying hello.

2007-10-24T16:16:00.000-05:00

I am having my own Seinfeld moment. I work in a building with a lot of window out into the other offices. Picture a mall. I don't work at the mall, but it is similar to a mall location. All the offices have huge windows facing the hallway. Well...there are these two girls that I always say hi to. I just want to ignore them, but without being rude. I want to say to them, "Look girls...I will talk to you if you have something you really want to tell me". Your choking and need me to give you mouth to mouth or the heimlech(?). I think the Heimleck(?) really should go first. I am trained to do CPR people. I did lose my card. Anyway, her office is located on the way to the restroom. They should give them blinds!! I would love that. It would solve the problem. I drink a lot of water and hence make my run to the restroom often. It is healthy! I am a little concientious of them looking at me and thinking that dude is going to crap or pee or whatever way too much. Still there is one hello that is ackward. The rest of the time I can ignore them. lol. Still that one hello is like bad. I have gone down the back way to go to the restroom just to avoide the ackward first and only hello. The problem with that is that I would need my keys to return that way. My keys are bulky. What to do what to do? It is not like we actually talk at all. We say hello to each other when she is around. There is nothing else. I want to just severe the hello connection. I dont think it is necessary. If she needs something and wants to come to my office and flesh it out....yeah I went there. lol, then we can talk. I have no issues with that. I will take care of you. Either way. Mal pensados. lol. I am just saying. It did not go well for Seinfeld on the show. It is something I will have to investigate.

slowly plugging away.

2007-10-22T09:04:00.000-05:00

A friend emailed me at 3 in the morning. She could not sleep. I flashback to my tender age of 7. I think I was 7. I used to not be able to sleep. I would be in my room with my brother and he would be snoring away. It got to the point that I used to get a small black and white tv and watch late night tv. I dont know what I used to watch. I mean I was 7. I dont even remember if it was good or bad. I wonder, if you had the ability to go back and watch everything you did, would you do it? I don't think I would. I would feel stupid at some of the things I did. Still...I would gloss over some of the things I did do.

Oh man...they let me out early on Friday. Did I go home early? No. I went to Stanley's. Simbah and I went to get one beer. It turns out 2 beers and 2 shots later I am on my way home. I have no gas in the car. I have to do changitos all the way home to make it on time for my wife to go to work. I knew I was going to get home on the fumes I had in my gas tank, but the stress was still there. The rest of the night was without incident. It was one of those moment that I find myself in sometimes. I just thought I would share. lol.